Cold Orbit
by Lenience
Summary: Years have passed since Sera reluctantly gave up on her military career to instead take care of her crippled mother. Having lived and worked in her aunt's clinic in Karanese district ever since, she has slowly adapted to her new job and life—and even come to enjoy it. But as an odd proposition to join the Survey Corps appears, where and to whom will that choice take her? OC. Canon.
1. Chapter 1: Ends and Beginnings

The descending sun drenched the sky and the soft clouds in a warm, orange tint. Two women strolled down the street wearing generous, breezy dresses and chatted excitedly about their swollen bellies. I desperately waited until even the sound of their loud voices and the tapping of their sandalled feet mingled with the rest of the city noise before dejectedly returning indoors, quickly wiping away the plastered smile on my lips with the back of my hand.

"Hmph. Still anxious about Sebastian, I see?"

A short, stout woman with sharp silver streaks in her bundled up hair blocked my way and threw me a pitying look. To many she was known as Lydia, the toughest drinker in all Karanese, but to me she was known simply as my aunt.

I waved her away. "It's nothing, I'm just a bit tired."

"So your soggy face ain't got nothing to do with him."

"I'm pretty hot too."

"Then go take a bath." She crossed her fleshy arms. "Hell Sera, you look like you've passed halfway through to the realm of the dead _as well_!"

Before I could launch an equally taunting response or blurt something else I would regret later on, another voice harshly interjected.

"Mom, you can't say things like that! Especially not in a situation like this!"

And downstairs came my savior and cousin Miriam. Unlike with me, Lydia never chose to battle out arguments with her daughter since Miriam could dismantle close to anyone with just the proper set of words. An arguable ability in the world we're living in, but since I always knocked heads with Lydia and nobody of us liked to back down, I would have had a lot of use for such a diplomatic solution. Miriam was a good speaker, younger than me and both sweet and clever, but I had to admit she wasn't the prettiest girl; her nose was too big for her face and her rye-colored hair never really seemed to have a real length. She wasn't a popular claim amongst the other sex but was, nevertheless, a very nice person and also my best—if not only—friend. Except for Sebastian. A thought which got my head winding.

 _Where are you, idiot? It's already been a good while since the bells announced the Survey Corps' return. Don't tell me you're intentionally pulling this to annoy me? Again?_

Pondering, I lost my catch of reality for a second. Miriam surprised me when she gently knocked on my head; we're the same height so I was confused when I had to crane my neck backwards to look her in the eyes. But I soon realized that I had slumped down on a nearby stool like a sack of rotten potatoes, my arms hanging lifeless to my sides like a ragdoll's. My aunt had for once been rather accurate with her earlier statement: I was thoroughly exhausted and I would bet all my meager savings that I looked about the same.

"Don't be so troubled, Sera," Miriam said with a smile. "Mom doesn't know what she's blabbering about. And you know how much she adores Sebastian; she would never crack a joke like that if she actually thought it was true. He'll be here anytime."

She sounded so reassuring I almost felt bad when I answered, "I actually think Lydia was talking about my mother."

And as if it was something _I_ was supposed to comfort _her_ about, I gingerly caressed her arm.

Miriam's following silence only confirmed my theory. _Guessed so_ , I thought as I eyed my aunt who was starting to prepare for dinner. _She never gets tired of complaining about how much of a burden my mother and I are, even though they're sisters. I'm supposedly "lucky" with this… predicament._

"I'm going out," I announced and rose to my feet. As much as I loved Miriam and even my aunt, I couldn't deal with either at the moment. My worry for Sebastian suffocated me and influenced all my actions. Miriam opened her mouth to say something but refrained, and decided to join her mother in the kitchen instead. Something in my expression probably told her to stay away from me, at least for a while.

With stiff limbs and my mind elsewhere, I carelessly swung open the door. And almost slammed it right into a visitor.

I could feel my skin draining with color. He probably could too, and his fair, handsome features turned mournful. We both knew what he was here to deliver; the emblem on his jacket was unmistakable.

"Are you Seraphina Berninger?"

I slowly nodded. The noises from the kitchen died in an instant.

"Then I'm sorry for your loss, Miss Berninger. Sebastian Berninger is no longer with us."

* * *

My stupid, reckless, carefree, humorous, beloved brother was dead. And there was nothing I could do about it.

Even my aunt was silent for once as we sat opposed to each other by the table. The only ones who seemed to be fine enough to talk were Miriam, sitting to my left, and the famous Erwin Smith, commander of the despised Survey Corps, who sat next to my aunt. I couldn't even remember why he was dining with us—not that anyone was eating.

"Wait…" I fumbled to formulate a comprehensible question, my words disappearing before I could catch them. "What are you doing here, sir?"

His piercing blue eyes immediately turned to look at me. "I'm not sure I understand," he carefully replied.

I clenched my cup until my knuckles whitened and the porcelain threatened to crumble. "Why are _you_ the one to come and tell me of…" My voice trailed away and I swallowed hard. "Instead of Seb—his squad leader? I thought that was the way you did it. And I cannot remember Sebas— _him_ to be in your group."

"True," admitted the commander, his gaze unwavering. I briefly wondered how many times he had knocked on a door to tell an already distressed family that one of their children had died fighting under the Wings of Freedom, and how many times more he was going to deliver news of death. "But as it stands, the lance corporal is currently unavailable for such tasks."

"Coward," I spat.

Miriam stared at me and my aunt raised her head from the table to look at me, eyes widened in surprise. The commander remained calm.

"No, the reason is different, I promise," he replied. "I actually wanted to come visit you myself."

"Levi still wouldn't have come, would he?"

His icy-blue eyes lost their focus on me for barely a second and I understood that I had been correct. He sighed when realizing that I knew. "I trust he has his reasons, Miss Berninger. He's Not a bad man."

A horse and carriage passed the building. The sunset was fading away, giving in to the darkness of the night.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. "What is it you want from me, sir?"

"I'm here because I want to help you."

I fought back my frustration; I didn't want to lash out at him for no reason except bad memories about a certain someone. "And with what would that be?" _Can you bring my brother back? Can you bring my father back? Can you make my mother able to walk again?_

"I have assessed your family situation. Your finances won't make through." He suddenly turned to my aunt. "Your clinic will have to be closed down by the end of next month if you don't do anything about it."

Miriam inhaled sharply.

"Mom, what is he talking about?" she exclaimed. "He's not being serious, right? All of this is just a bad, bad dream, huh? Sebastian is still alive, our business is going outstanding and aunt Alina is going to become healthy soon because we're doing everything to treat her, right Mom? This is just a horrible nightmare."

"For being such a smart girl, you're really naive," I said and rubbed my cold hands together. Miriam looked at me, shocked.

"I'm afraid he's right," continued my aunt. Her gray eyes were empty. "I'm sorry, Miriam. I'm buried too deep in debt. The money that Sebastian provided us were the only thing that got us going. And since he's—"

Lydia quieted when I looked at her.

"Well, isn't there anything we can do?" tried Miriam, her voice weak.

My aunt shook her head. "Even if we kick out your aunt and cousin it'll barely help sustaining us more than a month or two."

"And here's where I want to have a saying," said the commander. His focus had returned to me and I could read in his bold eyes what he had in mind. It came to no surprise after all, because I had seen it already before he stepped into the house.

"I would like you to join the Survey Corps."

I pressed my lips together. In the corner of my eye I saw Miriam press a hand to her chest, her jaw hanging slack.

"We lost many in the latest expedition, together with your brother," Erwin went on, his face grim. "And since you're not only an adept 3DMG-user but you also have some advanced medical experience, your contribution would mean twice as much."

"Never!"

My aunt slammed her thick palm against the wooden table and a strange look of fear temporarily straightened her wrinkled face. "There will be no talking about that rubbish! How dare you bark in and ask such a horrid thing?" She suddenly seemed to remember whom she actually was talking to and lowered her voice. "It's a fool's endeavor, sir. A suicidal road. And I will _not_ stand and idly watch as you drag another poor soul into the titans' bloody gobs! Especially not when her brother just—"

"Calm down, please." The commander raised a gentle hand and met my neutral gaze. "It's simply an offer, Miss Berninger. You are free to choose. Only, I know that you scored amongst the top ten during your training years before you quit to help your family." For a second, there was regret in his voice. Then it was gone. "That cannot have been a mere coincidence or pure luck. You fought for something, didn't you?"

I stayed silent but looked away.

"Tell me, do you remember which military branch you were most focused on enrolling into?"

My focus involuntarily twisted back to him. His blue eyes glittered. He already knew my answer.

"The Survey Corps, sir."

"To join your brother, I reckon?"

My hands balled into fists. "Yes," I replied quietly. There was no idea hiding the obvious.

"Then, Miss Berninger," he began, "if you're still interested in what's best for humanity _and_ your family, I would like to meet you at the western gates tomorrow morning at eight. For now I fear I'll have to excuse myself; there are a few more things I have to attend to before midnight."

Erwin Smith promptly stood up and straightened his shirt before heading towards the entrance door, turning around one last time to glance back at us. "Well then, have a nice evening."

"Sir."

He patiently waited.

I swallowed hard. It tore my heart to even think about it, but I asked anyway. "Where… where are his remains? I… I must..."

My voice broke. I could feel my throat swell up and my vision turn blurry but I refused to cry, at least while my aunt and cousin stared at me with nothing but pity. They probably thought I was restraining myself, too proud to show them any weakness, and although they were correct in that particular aspect I honestly didn't want anyone to see how truly close I was on the brink of madness. _Sebastian was dead_. The words rang in my head, mockingly and repetitive, and I could just barely keep myself from screaming: _Shut the hell up! It's a lie!_

I hastily dug my nails into my palms and tried to regain full control of my emotions. My audience was merciful enough not to make comments on my rigid behavior.

"I must see him, _at least one last time_ ," I whispered, finally, and looked towards the door.

The commander was soft in his response, sorrow darkening his gaze. "He was fully consumed by titans and we were unable to recover anything of him. Again, I am sorry."

I continued staring at the door even long after he left, as if it would redo today's happenings or turn back time. Anything so that I might see my brother again and give him a proper goodbye. The already tense atmosphere in the kitchen could only grow heavier as the silence prolonged, none of us brave enough to relieve whatever spell that locked our tongues. It still felt unbelievable, like nothing more than a scary dream, but in my mind, the achingly revelation of the truth was pristine.

"Sera," someone said for the fifth time.

I stiffly turned to face my aunt. Her forehead was creased and she looked gravely back at me, grasping my numb fingers between hers.

"Sera, it's alright," she said in a low voice, as if she were trying to calm a terrified animal. "You don't worry about anything. Just… just go upstairs and rest, okay? We'll talk about everything tomorrow. Now you need… now you need to rest."

 _That man… He knew unusually much about me,_ I suddenly realized. _Things only Sebastian should know. And he knew exactly how to control the flow of the conversation and push me into his direction. What a clever mind._

"Miriam, sweetheart. Can you help your cousin to bed? And you go sleep as well, I'll handle the dishes. Take a candle."

 _There must be more to it than simply extending a helping hand for a lost comrade's family; I would exaggerate greatly if I said I thought he does something like this on a regular basis. Then again, there has most likely not been many other people set in a similar situation like this. Would he do the same towards any of them? Nevertheless, I should be wary of the commander. He's a very intelligent person and someone I don't know if I should trust._

"How are you holding up?"

Miriam's kind voice woke me from my brooding. We had already gotten to my room, far away from my aunt's prying ears. How she had managed to budge me up the stairs was a mystery.

"Honestly," I replied between gritted teeth, "I don't really know, Miriam."

She gave me a warm smile and sank down on my mattress, placing the thick, dripping candlestick on the coaster on top of my nightstand. "I understand. Anyone would be conflicted about their feelings. You're going, aren't you?"

My eyes involuntarily widened. "How did you know?" I exclaimed as I joined her, too shocked to even bother cloaking up my trembling voice. Not even I had been sure about the answer.

"Well," she began, "when we first met and I forced you to tell me about your past, you seemed happiest when it came to the military. And whenever Sebastian went off on another impossibly crazy titan-story in the bar to impress the girls, you always glared at him with so much jealousy I thought your eyes would fall out of their sockets."

Her latter mentioning made me flinch, not only because she spoke of my brother's name with such ease but because she triggered a deeply buried memory with her words. One I was none too keen to relive.

Regret immediately filled her blue eyes. "Sorry, still too early, huh?"

She wasn't talking about my brother and we both knew it.

"Look, if it's _him_ you're worried about, don't be," she continued reassuringly and patted me on my shoulder. "How long has it been now? Uhm…"

"Almost five years," I said in an instant. She looked at me and I shrugged. "So what, I have a good memory. It's not my fault you can't remember anything."

She scoffed and crossed her arms, her eyes staring defiantly back at mine. "Right. It ain't abnormal at all to remember exactly when it ended with my ex."

I averted my gaze and started rubbing my hands together.

"You never…" started Miriam, suddenly shy. "You never told me which rank you were during the Training Corps. What the commander said was..."

"Surprising?" I proposed, with a quirk of my brow. I was happy she changed subject, but this was starting to get humiliating.

She quickly shook her head.

"No," Miriam said and smiled. "It was just like you. I just wonder, why you never told me that."

I mustered up a faint smile in reply. "I didn't want to brag."

"You know I wouldn't have taken it that way," she said a bit accusingly, but in a playful way. "You're the last person I would ever say is arrogant."

 _Wrong, I was very arrogant. Once._ "Yeah, yeah, cut it with the praise." My smile widened. "You're too sweet, cousin. Watch out or I might forbid you to ever leave me for another man," I dramatically added.

She giggled but my own joy abruptly faded and I firmly gripped her hands. "You have to stop being so concerned about me, Miriam," I continued, no longer joking. "I… I was very mean towards you earlier and I apologize for that. It's just…"

A warm body suddenly embraced me. "It's fine. I can't even imagine how hard it was for you to hear… all that. I was paralyzed with fear."

A shiver rolled down my spine. " _He was consumed by titans…"_ , I reminisced. _Is that what's going to happen to me as well? Am I also going to be devoured by those hideous creatures—like so many others?_

I started pulling back from Miriam. I wasn't really one for hugs, but this one had really been necessary for the sake of my sanity. My hands were cold but no longer shaking and my heartbeats had gotten in order. I felt human again.

"I have a lot to think about."

She nodded and rose to standing, grabbing the candle as well. "Goodnight, Sera," she said in a gentle tone before she left and closed the door after her.

I exhaled loudly and slumped down on my bed, clumsily peeling off my pants and shoes in the process. I kicked them away into some random corner of the room and slid in beneath my sheets, irritably pulling out the pins that held my hair. I was too tired to visit my mother and promised myself to meet her first thing in the morning—after a shower. But now wasn't the time. Because it wasn't until now, alone in my dark, gloomy room, that I realized how Miriam intentionally had gotten me to talk about easy stuff so I wouldn't be reminded of Sebastian.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. My dignified guise finally crumbled and I wept myself to sleep for the first time in many years. A part of me was happy to finally be able to let go and for an unknown amount of time I didn't really know what exactly I was crying about. Was it my poor, broken mother who would never walk again? My consumed brother? My dead father? Or was it because I was overjoyed to finally be able to go outside the walls? Was it because I wanted to taste the thrill of the titans as well?

But deep inside, an anger boiled and grew stronger with every second I was lying there, every tear I shed. I was furious at everyone, myself included. Everyone was responsible for Sebastian's death.

Especially this one person.


	2. Chapter 2: Departure

**Chapter 2: Departure**

The sky was gradually turning brighter, from a deep shade of blue to a hazy yellow, but it was yet early, way earlier than I was usually comfortable waking up. My head pounded and my eyelids were heavy and crusted with yesterday's dried tears, but there was no way I could go back to bed.

I inhaled the refreshing morning air one last time before I closed the window and headed for my drawer. I had hoped to be able to ventilate my room but noticing how stiff I already was, I decided not to. Sleep deprivation made my movements sluggish and clumsy but I eventually found my green pouch with toiletries and a fresh set of clothes and set off downstairs towards the bathroom with my boots in the other hand. I finished as fast as I could and ignored the burn of the cold water against my skin. For once I was glad that my aunt had stubbornly insisted on installing a "shower" in the house—with the motivation that some clients would be in need for such a service—because not only was it quick and easy to use; I didn't need to step into a horrid bathtub to become clean. The shower had been expensive of course, but manageable… or so I had thought. I anxiously chewed on my lower lip as it dawned upon me how much money Lydia actually had invested in the clinic.

 _No wonder you've been paying me so little. You're broke._

I shook my head. The shower and the sweet smell of my soap had cleansed me from my weariness and now sharp-minded, I was ashamed of what I had thought. _No,_ I told myself, _you gotta stop being so cynical. Don't go there. Lydia has helped you tremendously during these past years, supporting you both physically and mentally. She deserves all your respect._

I wrapped my hair in a towel and got dressed. The neckline on my blouse was fortunately large enough to fit my now oversized head through and I tucked the unruly fabric beneath my trousers, fastening everything with a belt. I then headed towards the kitchen to hunt for something to eat while kicking into my worn boots. The clock on the wall announced that I had almost two and a half hours until I would meet with Erwin Smith again but only half an hour until Lydia would rise. I wasn't too keen on the latter, considering how she seemed adamant about refusing me the place at the Survey Corps.

 _She most definitely won't let me join,_ I thought as I swallowed the last of my bread with some water. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I had to eat if I was going to make it through the rest of the morning. _She'll beg and plead, but it won't help. I will go._

My newly found determination wasn't completely without motivation: a new idea had awoken in my mind sometime during my hysteria. I wasn't going to the Survey Corps because I was depressed over my life or Sebastian's death. I didn't intend to throw my life away, or anyone else's for that matter. But my motives were far from noble.

I exhaled loudly and buried my face into my palms. Tears were dangerously close to escaping my eyes and I bit down a frustrated groan. _Why did you leave me, Sebastian? How could you be so selfish and let yourself die? You promised me… you promised you would always return._

"But where are you now…?" I whispered.

"Sera?"

Exasperated, I raised my chin. Lydia stood at the doorway, properly dressed and kempt. I fleetingly wondered how long she had been standing there observing me before I threw the matter aside. It hardly mattered; her eyes revealed her worry and fear.

"You're up awfully early today," I said and was relieved to hear how calm I sounded.

"Well, I wanted to check on you."

"You thought I was going without saying goodbye."

She flinched. "Y-yes," she stuttered. "Something like that."

I relaxed and approached her. "I would never do that." I placed a hand on her shoulder. It was the closest thing to a hug I could give her. "I'll pack my stuff and check on Mom and Miriam before I head off. You…" I hesitated before finishing the sentence. "Auntie, take care of them."

"Sera, you can't leave," she appealed and took my other hand. "Don't bother about the money, I'll handle everything—"

"It's not about the money," I assured her and then quickly tried to come up with a reliable answer. "It's about doing the right thing," I lied.

Involuntarily, I recalled the fierceness in the commander as he had spoken yesterday. There was no doubt about how wholeheartedly he believed that the Survey Corps were doing the right thing. And even after all these years of constant failure, I hadn't noticed the slightest hint of shame in his icy blue eyes. That could only mean that they were on the actual verge of breakthrough, something so major that not even Sebastian had told me about it. Curiosity had me trapped like a fly in a spider's web; the more I struggled to get away, the more I got tangled up. But that was still not the real reason I wanted to go.

"Not that rubbish! Sera, _it's dangerous out there_." My aunt seemed like she wanted to shake me. Her hands clenched tighter around mine. "Those… _titans_ … You're no match against them."

I opened my mouth to angrily protest when she cut me off. "I don't care if you were in the top ten during your trainee years; that was six years ago! You're in no condition to fight anymore! Is it those rumors about that titan-shifter you're so eager to hook onto? That he's 'humanity's savior'? Or are you simply after a death wish? Because I can grant you that _without_ any help from those damned titans!"

I stared incredulously at her, too shocked to do anything else. She seemed as taken aback by her outburst as I was but didn't yield.

"Sera," she said. Her grip was as steady as before but she lowered her gaze, as if her next words were difficult to say. "I just… I just want you safe. The Walls aren't just for show. It's no game out there, I assure you."

"I bet that's what you told your husband as well, huh?"

Her expression froze and I seized the opportunity to speak.

"You always despised the way he would cheat on you with his work," I continued harshly, anger fueling my determination. I knew I oughta keep quiet or take back my words and apologize, but my voice went on. "Mason who always went on and on about how precious the Scouting Legion are and continued to encourage me and my brother as children." I scoffed. "'Humanity's fight for freedom' was everything he sprouted and yet you never once supported him. Did you ever love him for real or was it just a marriage of convenience? Because you needed the safety of his money? Yes, you probably even found it suiting when he finally died to the Titans since you didn't need to spend more precious funds on him and his gear."

Her fist swung towards me but old reflexes triggered and I blocked her assault with an upright stroke of my forearm. With lightning speed, my other hand had already gripped her wrist and I spun her around, tugging her arm in a painful angle as she bashed against the doorway.

"Seems like I remember something from the military after all."

"Get out!" Lydia roared. Her cheeks were flaring with color as she struggled. "You've been nothing but a plight on me, Miriam and this clinic ever since you arrived! Don't bother returning from whatever hellhole you dive into!"

I sighed and released my grip of her. "I hadn't intended to," I replied venomously and darted towards the staircase. I didn't dare look at her. "I'll grab my things and be gone. I promise you." My voice softened. "Just… just take care of Mom for me; I'll send you all the money you need."

She growled something unintelligible in reply and although I was beyond certain it was an insult of some sort, I was in too much of a rush to bother answering. I strode into my room and pulled out a dusty old bag from underneath my bed, rapidly stuffing it with what few belongings I had. There were some clothes of course, but mostly undergarments and a couple of dog-eared books. After some hesitation, I decided to also pack down my journal, my pen set and a tiny painting of my family and me.

I held the wooden frame a couple of inches from my face and scrutinized it. We were so happy on the picture, even though it had been a horribly boring afternoon spent sitting still on a small patch of grass outside the painting studio. It had been a beautiful day, the sun shining its brightest while a soothing wind gently caressed our hot cheeks. My brother and I were leaning against each of our parents with wide grins across our round, childish features and as we were obedient for once, even my father's usually strict lips had cracked into a shy smile while he held his wife's hand lovingly.

There was plenty of space left as I zipped up the bag and flung it over my shoulders, but I was kind of happy I had so little to bring with me from home. I snatched my jacket from the chair by the desk and slipped my arms into the sleeves before I noticed Miriam standing by the door.

I bent over and unwrapped the now damp towel, allowing my hair to escape its prison. "You Seylers are all up awfully early this morning," I said as I noticed she, too, was fully dressed for the day. "And stalking."

"I heard the ruckus downstairs… thought I should wait until it passed before coming to see you." Miriam scratched the side of her neck. "I guess you only said those awful things to get her out of your way, huh?"

"I kinda had to use some self-defense as well."

Her eyes widened and I grimaced. "Lydia was going to punch me," I explained and threw the towel on my bed.

"I see…"

She said nothing more but watched as I was impatiently trying to braid my wet, tangled hair. I got nowhere until she lent me a hand.

"Thanks," I said, breaking the awkward silence between us.

"No worries."

"Miriam…" I could feel how tense she was as she pulled my hair with unnecessary much force. "What is it?"

She let out a loud sigh. "I'm just worried about you."

"I won't die," I replied sternly. _I definitely won't let myself, at least._

"No, it's not that. I know you won't. I'm… afraid you're getting too cold." Miriam stepped away from me. "There, it's done."

I didn't know how to answer because she was right. Shame forced my eyes towards the floorboards as I aimlessly ran a hand across the braid.

"There isn't anything wrong with opening up to others," she carefully went on, taking my silence as a cue to continue. "Nobody will find you weaker of an individual just because you're emotional. You might even find it easier to make some friends that way."

"Do you really think of me as a heartless person?" I asked her with a crooked smile. I attempted to sound playful, but my voice rang empty even in my own ears.

"No, but you rarely convey your emotions into words or expressions. It isn't like you're being false or two-faced, I promise, but you're almost never completely genuine towards people." She paused. "Sometimes even I'm unsure of what you're really feeling when you're talking to me."

My eyes shot upwards, a blunt answer resting on my tongue, but Miriam waved it away and smiled. "There's no need to explain. You've always been like that." Something mischievous suddenly glittered in her eyes. "Except with… you know. Maybe he's really the one…?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"You know I'm right," she taunted.

Before I could hurl anything at her, she disappeared out of the room with a giggle. I pressed two fingers against my left temple and gingerly rubbed the muscle in an effort to suppress my increasingly active headache. I hadn't slept well or much at all during the night, and the fatigue was starting to take a toll on my body. After making sure I hadn't forgotten anything worth taking with me, I walked to the bedroom lying furthest down the hall and prepared for my last goodbye.

"Mom?"

I creaked open the door ever so slightly and peeked my head through the slim opening. My eyes found the familiar shape of her body beneath the heavy covers of her bed and I entered the room, careful to close the door gently behind me. The morning light was blocked by thick, blue curtains but a lonely candle illuminated the room in a calming glow, a courtesy I guessed Miriam had provided.

I was as surprised as always when I noticed how much she shivered and pulled another, earlier kicked away layer of blankets over her as I came to sit by her side. Her face was partly hidden beneath a fat pillow but I could see that her frail chin and dry lips pointed towards the wall, away from me.

"Hey, mom, it's me," I whispered and leaned in towards her. "Are you awake?"

I didn't want to rouse her if she was sleeping but at the same time I wasn't willing to leave without telling her of my departure, no matter if she could listen or not. It was a selfish desire but fortunately enough for me, her thin hands moved to push aside the pillow and two tired blue eyes, surrounded with fine wrinkles and dark spots, connected with a similar looking pair.

"I thought I heard you scream," she croaked and anxiously soaked her lips. "Or was it Lydia again? What happened?"

I pretended to be surprised.

"What are you talking about?" I raised my eyebrows and felt myself melt into the kind, compassionate person I always became in her presence. "It was probably just a bad dream again, mom. Nothing to worry yourself."

The tenseness in her jaw faded and she breathed out. "Of course," she mumbled and looked up in the ceiling, her eyes desperately trying to find something to focus on. "Yes, of course. You and Lydia would never shout at each other. You love her."

"Yes I do," I confirmed and gripped her bony hand. My throat tightened but I kept up the facade. "Mom, I came to tell you I'm leaving. Now. And I don't think I'll be coming back, at least for a good while."

"Where you off to?"

Her eyes were still spinning around and I sighed. She wouldn't remember this by the next time she opened her eyes, but I knew I had no choice but to continue since there would be no time to wait for her to fall asleep and then wake up again. But this also gave me the courage to tell her about Sebastian.

"Things are going badly here at the clinic," I began, the truth rolling off my tongue much easier than any of the lies I had told her ever since the doctor initially told me of her delicate state. "And… Sebastian is no longer here to support us. Someone must step up and shoulder that responsibility, and I guess that's me." I felt something wet trickle down my cheek and instantly wiped it away with my jacket sleeve. "Mom… Sebastian died in yesterday's expeditions with the Scouting Legion."

Her expression turned neutral. "I see… what about his body? Where is it?"

More tears fled their harsh confinement and I sniffled while staring at her in confusion. "What do you mean? He was _eaten_."

"No, no, no." She furiously shook her head. "That is impossible."

"I know it might seem hard to accept but—"

"No," she interrupted, her face completely grave. I had never seen her that way and it wasn't the kind of inclined grievousness that would suggest she was in a sort of denial; her gaze was burning with a ferocious determination as she lowered it slowly. "He can't be dead. It's impossible."

Both surprised and deeply worried I tried to make her look at me. "Mom," I said as I touched her cheek. "It was the commander himself who told me that."

"Did he say it with those exact words?"

I frowned, my exasperation overshadowing my grief. "Well, not literally—"

"Then you oughta ask what he really meant." My mother removed my hand from her face and closed her eyes. "I'm tired, honey. Goodbye."

A thousand questions had arisen during her brief frenzy but I understood they would have to wait until another time. I swallowed my tears and rose to blow out the candle before I started off towards the door, leaving her alone and huddling in the dark.

I hurried down the stairs, set on avoiding my aunt, but Miriam bumped into me before I could reach the last step. She held up a green pouch that I recognized in the blink of a second and I forced it down my bag as I thanked her.

"You owe me big time now. What if you hadn't had access to soap, huh? Or a brush?"

I smiled. "It would've been the end of the world."

"Probably." She reflected a grin of her own and gave me a quick hug, dispersing before I had the chance to react. "Well, good luck with this then. And give those titans a good, nice smacking from me too, okay?"

"I will," I replied and led my steps to the front door. My smile had inexplicably widened and horrified with my reaction, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "And in exchange—" I fought back another smirk before I whipped around "—take care of everyone for me. Yourself included."

Miriam nodded eagerly. "Don't worry about us. We'll handle."

I nodded back at her and as I passed the kitchen, my eyes steered towards the clock. There was still more than an hour left to go but I didn't want to stay even a second longer. My heart accelerated in pace as I put more and more distance between myself and the place I had so reluctantly but lovingly called my home for the last six years. I felt alleviated. _Free_. Excitement clouded my sorrow and the actual reason to why this was possible, but I mostly focused on my mother had said. It had struck a chord inside of me, that she as well as the commander obviously knew something about Sebastian that I didn't, and I was definitely going to find out what they were hiding. Likewise I decided to treat Miriam's concern about my disposition and social capabilities as something reasonable; I would try to be truer to both myself and others from now on.

I inhaled the fresh morning air with a grin. It had never felt sweeter to be thrown out.


	3. Chapter 3: Delicate Doubts

**Chapter 3: Delicate Doubts**

The streets were mostly empty, hinting only a couple of haggard animals or a keen shop owner who wanted to start business early. I strode forward confidently, my boots thudding softly against the cobblestone, but my tempo slowed rather quickly as I didn't want stay too ahead of the meeting. Being well in time was a trait I had inherited from my father and something I was proud to present whenever possible—especially in front of my new employer and commander—but an hour was more than enough to make it early.

It wasn't until my legs finally reclined into a casual stroll that I realized how tired I was. I hadn't exercised even nearly as much as I had done during my military training or even before and my muscles were most likely weary and out of shape. For a second I foolishly freaked out and wondered if I would fit into a 3DMG harness again, but then I remembered how easily adaptable the straps were and exhaled. When I passed the next shop I examined my reflection in the windows and decided that my body shape had stayed almost the same; I was neither too skinny nor too thick, but I had definitely lost some strength.

I pressed my lips together and continued to walk. _Will I even be able to use the Maneuvering Gear again? What if I've forgotten how to control it? I don't want to embarrass myself and fly into a tree, or worse—what if I don't know how to get into it? Or clean it properly? Isn't maintenance equally important as usage prowess?_

I was closing in on my final destination. After I turned around the corner of a salon I found myself at the western gate, the only way into Wall Rose from Karanese. A couple of male soldiers equipped with both 3DMGs and rifles lazily scanned me head to toe and paused their chatting. Seeing I was no threat they returned to whatever heated argument it was turning into and I sunk down on an empty bench outside a nearby tavern.

 _Imagine, five years ago there were rarely any guards of either the Garrison or the Military Police Brigade who carried their Maneuvering Gear_ , I mused in bitter amusement as I placed my bag next to me. _Even here in Karanese it was considered normal to be without those. But though I used to despise them for giving up the most essential part of their lifestyle, I can't help but to think how much I'd rather be spitting over their weakness than to see them trot around in those. Because it's a harsh and constant reminder how easily humanity's foothold shifted with only the strength of two—albeit strange—titans._

I sighed and leaned my head backwards against the tavern wall. _The economy has simply gone worse with each year, sinking into catastrophic measures ever since Wall Maria fell. I can barely believe there's titans directly outside the walls right now, pounding on the gates to be let in and consume us for no particular reason at all. It could be just for fun for all we know._

My stomach churned in disgust. I closed my eyes and tried to think of anything else but the vivid scenery of a titan grabbing hold of my brother's body and clenching it lifeless before it threw him into its disproportionately large mouth… and I must have fallen asleep somewhere along my thoughts because suddenly, a warm touch carefully shook me back to reality.

I peeled open my eyelids and found myself staring at an equally startled, blue gaze. I blinked a couple of times, more than sure that I recognized him, although it wasn't until I quickly took in the proud emblem on his jacket that I reacted.

"Mr—No, Commander Smith," I blurted in shock and abruptly rose to salute.

The rapid movement threw me off balance, but he reacted quickly and steadied my reeling body with one firm hand on my shoulder and the other around my flailing arm.

"Well, close call," he commented when I stopped swaying, releasing his grip of me.

"Ah," was all I could muster, afraid that he would see the blazing hot proof of my embarrassment on my cheeks. "Sorry, sir. This is a horrible second impression. I was— _am_ just really tired."

"Understandable. We all mourn our fallen, some longer than others."

I simply nodded, still too humiliated with what could be only compared to as my drunken jests to speak. I also tried to ignore the fact that this was the first time in many years a man had held me, but a longing ache stirred within me and I balled my hands into fists.

"Wait here."

My eyes were averted to the ground and so I didn't notice the large animal until it was directly in front of me.

"Do you remember how to ride a horse?"

At this I looked up and saw the commander hand me the reins of a large, brown mare. I must have looked puzzled but apparently not for the right reason, because he craned a thumb backwards, towards a small party of riders waiting beneath the gate. I was immediately relieved to know we weren't going to proceed with the journey alone, but I was also concerned about how far we were going if we needed horses and what would surely be an armed escort. But then, he _was_ the commander of the Survey Corps, one of the most influential and perhaps disliked person within the walls. It would be pure idiocy for him to travel alone even through a small village.

"There's a horse for me waiting there." If I hadn't known better I could have sworn he sounded amused. "Your answer, Miss Berninger?"

I grabbed my bag and took the reins from him, swinging up into the saddle with surprisingly little effort. My self-assurance returned to me and since I believed my actions had spoken louder than any words could, I was able to no longer blushingly reply, "It's Sera, sir."

"Sera, then."

When we then approached the entourage in silence, I saw that my earlier guess had been accurate. On each side of their hips hung the large devices I had seen on Sebastian so many times before, concealed only partly by their forest-green capes. Sure I had seen the 3DMGs on many and in different occasions before, but there was something different with the way the members of the Survey Corps carried their gear. Perhaps it was simply my trained sight that pointed out who was and wasn't skilled with the devices and my opinions of them varied after that, or that my judgment was clouded due to personal feelings, but nonetheless I respected no other soldier as much as I respected those wearing the Wings of Freedom. I saw the Garrison guards send them condescending looks and gossip despite their proximity, but my own features must have been gaping in awe. Mentally, at least.

In the corner of my eye, I fleetingly noted that the commander was without his gear before I at last realized that everyone in his squad was observing me.

Some shamelessly stared wide-eyed at me, not even bothering to hide their confusion and surprise, while some gave me a hasty overview before turning their gazes straight. Nobody said anything, which I didn't know whether to take appreciatively or guardedly and for a moment I wondered if someone had painted something on my face. But before I had the chance to take a look in a window, the commander got onto a horse himself and signaled for us to follow his lead. He gave me specific orders to stay close to him at all times, and without any further elaboration or ado we finally set off into Wall Rose, away from Karanese—and my home.

We rode mostly in silence, keeping up a high but steady pace, with Erwin's voice now and then calling in which direction to go. Initially we rode on broad, well-attended roads bordered with villages or farms, constantly meeting other travelers or local residents on foot. But as time passed, we steered away from civilization and journeyed through breathtaking scenery with fields of grass or grain stretching as far as my vision could reach. Or well, until the walls blocked them. Wall Rose was still clearly visible over my left shoulder as it towered high towards the sky and in the distance, to the west and when a tree or a hill wasn't in the way, I could sometimes discern what I thought was Wall Sina. Curious to know where we were headed, I used what orientation skill I possessed and drew a mental map of the three walls. With its help, I almost instantly saw that we were heading south, towards Trost.

Where I had been born.

Another hour slipped by and although it was beautiful wherever I looked, my heart joyous to be away, I could only be distracted for so long. We pushed the horses hard and I grew both restless and nervous where I sat on the powerful animal, feeling as if she was simply following her kin instead of obeying my rare, awkward pulling with the reins. I was glad, though, that the horse was a better rider than me, because I was having my hands full just trying to remain in the saddle.

At the third hour, it was called to a halt. We were at an adequately sized resting spot not too far away from the pathway, with thick vegetation surrounding us from all directions. I saw no animals but I could hear the sharp chirping from excited forest birds and the gleeful sound of a small brook. Erwin dismounted, his legs steady as his feet connected with the ground and I saw that everyone else was mimicking his action with ease. I, on the other hand, was unfortunately not too keen to get off the safety of my horse.

The commander's eyes landed on me as he patted his mount on the neck.

"We need to let the horses rest for a bit," he said in a casual tone. He didn't seem exerted at all. "There's still a good bit of the journey left and they need some water."

I immediately felt the gazes of the others on me and I forced myself to smile. "Yeah, I know," I waved him off. I was sweaty, exhausted and stiff all over. "I'm just not as quick as the rest of you are. Let me have a… minute."

His eyes lighted with understanding. "Do you require assistance?"

I shook my head. _That would be neither appropriate nor right_ , a little voice whispered in the back of my head.

Praying I would make it without losing my face, I decided to slid off the saddle as slowly as I could. My right foot was tiptoeing on the ground when I released my stiff grip of the saddlebow and unhooked my other foot from the stirrup.

And I stood.

Only, my wobbly limbs betrayed me.

I panicked and grabbed at the saddle again when someone supported me. One hand between my shoulder blades and one beneath my left forearm helped me straighten until I could stand properly and independently again. I was disgusted with my weakness and suddenly, it didn't seem too far-fetched to believe I wouldn't be able to use the 3DMG again.

"I didn't take your physical condition into consideration," the commander stated a bit apologetically. "There's no reason to be ashamed," he went on when I remained quiet. "It's only natural it takes a while to remember everything, especially for your body. It should remember everything eventually, I'm certain."

At this my eyes widened and I turned my face towards him. _Had he read my mind?_

He patted me reassuringly and gave me a brief smile before leaving to tend to other matters and direct orders. I shifted uncomfortably beneath the weight of the rest of the party's gazes as I began unsaddling my patient horse, together with my bag of belongings. Careful not to dirty the fine leather, I placed it on a flat rock before returning to my yet very still and obedient mount, and rewarded her by leading her to the stream a couple of yards away from the resting spot. She seemed easy enough to satisfy as she greedily slurped the cold water; I was worried about the soldiers.

I absent-mindedly stroked her large back. _I wonder what they think of me…_ I snorted. _Or that's probably rather obvious. I'm a clumsy fool. What they must truly wonder is why I'm here._

Sighing, I glanced over my shoulder. A trio that was most likely standing guard chatted vividly and with large gestures, their faces aimed towards where we had come from, while two soldiers were stretching their hips, having removed their gear, and another pair was checking on the group's horses by the water as they shared some bread. The commander was perched on an old stump, deeply concentrated on a document he held and although I knew he would be polite enough to make conversation, I didn't want to disturb.

 _If it's already this hard making new acquaintances, I wonder how impossibly difficult it'll be later on,_ I brooded morosely as I turned back towards the water. My stomach growled and I pressed a cold hand to it. _This is getting overwhelming. First chance I get, I'll check to see if I'm still capable of managing the Maneuvering Gear so I can get that ugly thought out of my head for good. If I make it then perfect. I will have proven that I'm not as hopeless as I've been contradicted twice now, which might be able to win me some respect… and perhaps a friend or two._

I paled. Another thought struck me and even though I tried to push it away, I felt my doubt rise.

 _But if I don't make it..._

Erwin called. It was time to move along. I gathered my gloomy thoughts and returned to the group, ready for another couple of hours on horseback.


	4. Chapter 4: Harsh Reunions

**Chapter 4: Harsh Reunions**

The wide dirt road parted and narrowed as our course led us to a vast forest. The sun had passed zenith two hours ago and my body was thoroughly spent. Far to the southwest I spotted the Gate of Trost and the town surrounding it before my view was replaced with a layer of thick, low-hanging canopy. A merciful gift, as I was boiling in the summer heat. Around me the wildlife was thriving and energetic, revitalizing to my bored eyes and ears and enough to attract my chill interest, but a heavy pain tugged at my heart as I involuntarily recalled the evening two months ago when my aunt had announced the reports from Trost.

I shoved the thought into the deepest part of my brain and bit down on my lower lip, this time without any interference from my horse's rickety movements. Wasting time to ponder over the alarmingly high death rate in my family was hardly going to help, considering where my future was currently heading. I just had to forget the past, somehow.

 _You're going to break every bone in your body while trying to use the Maneuvering Gear. Have fun explaining that to Lydia and Miriam._

I clenched my reins. _Shut it. I'll make it for sure._

The sinister voice quieted but my stomach didn't. Neither did my back, shoulders, feet—every inch of my body was rioting. I wasn't one to easily give up but if we weren't going to reach our final destination soon, I would, without doubt, fall off. The reason I bit back any complaints or inquiries to when we were arriving was because I noticed how the party's mood had lifted as soon as we entered the woods, and increased the further we advanced into the forest. They were talking about casual matters as well as cracking a joke or two, and even the commander afforded to smile. It amazed me how relaxed they were on their horses; but then, they had been doing this way longer than. Having luckily persevered all these hours with no damage other than sore muscles was all thanks to my faithful mount.

Half an hour passed and I was just growing restless again when there was a hill, quick hooves handling the rocky path with ease, and we finally emerged from the forest realm. I forgot my weariness as I regarded the center of the clearing in awe.

Because in front of me stood a _humongous_ stone castle. An absolutely enormous architectural wonder consisting of high walls and large extensions, black roof tiles and gray stone, dark windows and slender chimneys, empty arrowslits and well-reinforced battlements. The gatehouse fashioned a heavy wooden door and tall towers erected from the edifice in many. Vines and similar weed stubbornly clung to the foot of the fortress, but they were undermined and kept at bay. A quick overview gave me the impression that the building had been recently established, perhaps with only a decade or two on its neck, but as we drew nearer I saw that it was very old. What had fooled me was the fresh look on some parts of the stone construction; I noted that the castle's immense size must have been the result of aggressive expansion over the years. With that I could no longer put an age to it, but it was impressive nonetheless.

The commander came to a slow halt as we gathered outside the closed gate. A couple of voices from above shouted orders and soon we were allowed inside a wide courtyard by two soldiers, both wearing the symbol of the Survey Corps. I saw a vacant stable, a well and several entryways to the different parts of the castle, one being much larger than the gate we had entered. Examining the massive wooden gate, my best guess was that it was the main entrance. For some reason, we had made it in through the back.

The courtyard was deserted of people and the soldiers who immediately closed the doors behind us were most likely the only ones present. It was understandable; many of the Survey Corps liked to visit their families every once in awhile and since the expedition through Karanese had seemed to gone even worse than normal—according to the Garrison guards this morning—the voidness was expected… and awfully reminding.

I shook away the dark clouds of depression and focused on what was happening around me. The new faces saluted and gave my traveling companions tender gazes and happy greetings but they, too, were instantly suspicious of me, seeing I was without both uniform and gear. I wanted to sigh in annoyance but refrained.

"Erwin!"

My head whipped around. Another pair of soldiers hurried down a flight of stone stairs from almost behind us, their jackets revealing them to belong to the same military branch as my party. I fleetingly acknowledged that everyone present were of the Survey Corps before focusing on the approaching members. I recognized them, but couldn't really put my finger on when and where I had seen them before.

The person who had called the commander directly by first name was an average-sized woman with auburn hair and squarely-shaped spectacles, a wide smile lighting up her otherwise rather serious features. The man falling slightly behind her was noticeably taller, with blond hair and a slight beard, issuing a calm expression on his dull visage. Neither of them carried any gear.

Erwin got off his horse and immediately, his entourage did the same. In the corner of my eye I saw some unsteady legs and grimaces, and I was content to know I wasn't alone to suffer side effects from the strenuous journey. A soldier took the commander's horse and Erwin thanked him before meeting up with the somehow familiar faces. He mumbled something inaudible to them, his lips moving fast but only barely, and they glanced at me before looking back at Erwin. Feeling uncomfortable again, I inched down the saddle and shakily breached the ground just in time for introductions.

"Sera."

I grabbed my bag as the commander, followed by the auburn-haired woman and the now very towering man, neared me. He gestured at the two in order. "This is Hange Zoë and Mike Zacharius, two of my squad leaders."

 _Of course_ , I thought as I bluntly saluted and replied with the proper words. _I've seen and heard about them countless of times, whether it be through Sebastian, the gossip of the street or even the newspapers. They're amazing soldiers, amongst the absolute best. But why are they here? And if they are, is_ he—

"Nice to meet you, Sera!"

Hange Zoë promptly grabbed my hand and shook it vigorously. Her strength impressed me; she didn't look too physically capable. I opened my mouth to politely ask her not to rip my arm off, but she was quicker.

"Ah, I've heard so much good about you," she went on, cutting of my chance to reply. "You know, I never thought you were actually real and even though we've just met it feels like I already know you too well! This feels like a reunion!"

"Right…" I said, feeling extremely awkward. I had no idea what she was going on about. "Nice to meet you too… Squad Leader Zoë."

Her brown eyes widened but her grip hardened. "So polite! Just call me Hange. Your brother always did."

I suddenly grasped the contents of her earlier ramblings.

"You're gonna dislocate her arm or possibly the bones in her hand if you continue," a voice kindly reminded my assailant. Hange instantly broke free and gave a short laugh.

"Sorry," she apologized sheepishly.

"It's a-alright," I stuttered and gave the other squad leader a thankful nod before turning back towards the eccentric woman. "You… you were a friend of his?"

Her smile faded away. "Of course, amongst the very best. Told me practically everything about you." She hesitated. "He… he was a very happy soul. As annoying as he could be, it was difficult _not_ to like him. Impossible, quite frankly."

 _Not exactly a trait we share_. "Sounds like him," I quietly replied as I tried to remember if Sebastian had ever mentioned Hange before. I didn't think so. I knew of her, that was for sure, and meeting her in person only confirmed that the rumors of her… outgoing personality weren't being exaggerated. She was odd, but seemed nice. The same could not be said for Mike Zacharius, who abruptly leaned down towards me and _sniffed_ my hair. It was beyond embarrassing as he then straightened and gave out a chuckle. I knew I was glaring at him, flustered and desperate for a wash, but I was too startled to make amends.

"Mike, I need to speak to you about some matters."

He left my personal space as soon as Erwin spoke and didn't even bother to look at me again. The commander locked gazes with Hange and wordless communication flowed between the two before he said, "Hange, could you help Sera settle? She'll be staying with us from now on."

"Of course."

She answered confidently, but her jaw was tense.

"Good. Find me later."

Erwin started away from us, with Mike matching his long purposeful strides, and left me without even saying goodbye.

"Let's go find everything you need."

I realized I had been staring after the commander and quickly turned back to Hange. She had carefully reassembled her emotions and was now giving me a friendly smile. I guessed she would simply deal with me the best way she could for now and patiently wait until Erwin shared all the details of my strange presence in private.

"I should probably tend to my godsend of a mount before we do anything…" My voice trailed away as I looked about and saw that not only mine but all of the horses had already been taken well care of; they were being led into the stables by the soldiers that had escorted me and Erwin.

"Already done. Come with me."

I obeyed and sprinted to her side. Hange led me across the courtyard and into the southern part of the castle, unlocking a door that lead to a spacious and cool hallway. There were no windows but our only source of light was a long trail of lanterns dangling from the arched stone ceiling. Nine doors greeted us, eight of them set deeply within the stone walls and opposite to each other over the path while the ninth waited at the far end of the hall. The air smelled of dust but the floor was surprisingly clean.

"This is where we store gear, old documents and the like. Only us squad leaders have access to this place on a regular basis, so if you ever need to return just talk to one of us about it beforehand and we'll lend you the key."

Hange somehow managed to jump and unhook the lantern from its spot high above the first pair of doors and opened the one to our left. She told me to hold it ajar as she went inside the darkness, swinging the light source in front of her. The room was much larger than I had initially thought; Hange continued searching for a good long minute, peeking beneath dusty old cloths and checking large boxes, but soon she vanished behind a shelf and made a whole lot of noise before she returned to the hallway carrying a gigantic, gray suitcase in her left hand and the lantern in the other. She handed the former to me before she leaped up to return the lantern. It wasn't as heavy as it looked but I still grimaced at its weight.

"There," she said as she brushed off something from her shoulder. Her eyes were glittering with excitement. "Your Maneuvering Gear. Full with blades and fresh gas containers. There should be a maintenance kit in there as well."

My heart started pounding almost painfully as I looked down at my load. I wanted to tear apart the suitcase, pull on the harness and then the device itself and run back to the courtyard to try it out, but I knew better. I was beyond tired now even though I couldn't really feel it; my body was running purely on adrenaline. Attempting such an extreme physical activity would surely push me past my limits and break me.

"Thank you, Hange," I said genuinely as my eyes met hers.

"Hmm…? No need to thank me for that," she replied although she sounded pleased. "Close the door firmly will you?"

I did what she said and then followed her down the rows of doors. She stopped at the third pair and repeated the same process as before, but this time she emerged with a uniform.

"This oughta be your size…" Hange began as she held up the easily recognizable jacket in her right hand, dangerously close to the lantern that swayed freely on her wrist. "And these too." She brandished a pair of dark, knee-high boots in her left hand. "And the cape shouldn't be a problem." The green material was swept over the same arm.

My throat tightened. "Thank you," I repeated. "Thank you so much."

Hange grinned widely but her expression quickly changed when she saw my tears.

"Hey, it's alright," she comforted as I diverted from her view, desperate to hide my face. "I miss him too."

I wiped my cheeks. "No—I mean, _yes_ , but… I just got some dust in the eye," I lied.

She said nothing of it. I heard her jump again and the light flickered above our heads.

"We're done here," she said softly. "I'll carry the things. It's time you have a break."

I didn't protest. I followed her through the hall and we exited in the other end, entering a small courtyard leading to two other doors. There was another well here and I was tempted to pause and drink, but Hange seemed determined to keep on going and we trudged through another part of the castle. My tears were fought back as my eyes wanted to explore.

"This is the southern residential wing," Hange explained and then pointed at some of the doors we passed. "Laundry; you'll have to fix your own clothes. The toilets; the left door for women, the right door for men. The showers; same rule as the toilets. Here you'll also find a kitchen and a dining hall."

The kitchen had no door and I caught sight of a stove, several counters, some cupboards and a table with chairs for six. Everything was frugally decorated and mainly made sturdy and long-lasting, but it was fresh and clean—more than I could say about my aunt's kitchen. The dining hall hid—much as many other rooms in this castle, it seems—behind an unfriendly-looking wooden door. There were windows here, and the soft breeze was calming against my skin.

My question must have been evident on my face because Hange continued to elaborate. We headed up a staircase, ignoring the last closed door in the corridor.

"Of course, not the whole castle is being used, only the southern and the northern part where we've established a somewhat functional water and sewer system as of late. We haven't really used this place for a long time due to just those problems, so don't use up too much water. Anyways, I guess you've heard about the 'titan-shifter'?"

She glanced at me and I nodded. I didn't trust my voice.

"He's the reason why we're here." I understood the "we" she said meant the Survey Corps. "Actually, he's in the infirmary downstairs. You saw the door to the left of the stairs, right?"

My curiosity awoke and I swallowed hard. We reached the upper floor. "He's just below?" I asked, eyebrows raised. "What is he doing there?"

"He's suffered some severe damage and due to his… _condition_ , he must stay here where his squad leader can supervise him." Hange answered and led me to a room, opening it for me. "The rest of the wounded are currently in Karanese where more hands can tend to them. The expedition yesterday… didn't go too well."

 _Don't talk about it._

I dragged myself after her and sunk down on an armchair, examining what would be my new home. The walls were of stone and the floor and ceiling were made of the same dark wood, similar as the door. There was a single bed in the left corner of the room with thin, white sheets and a matching pillow, next to a short, empty nightstand and the armchair I was perched upon. A wardrobe leaned against the wall by the door, opposite to the bed, and a worn desk and chair bathed in the sunlight from the naked window behind me.

I liked it. It was roomy and the furnishing was simple in design. Cleaning wouldn't be an issue and the desk was an unexpected perk.

"So…"

My attention returned to Hange. She smiled again but this time it carried a strictly polite nature, immediately causing me to be on my guard.

"What are you doing here, if you don't mind me asking?" She dropped the suitcase by the door and sat down on my bed, placing the uniform parts next to her. "I thought you were a normal civilian."

Her voice was bright and easy-going, but there was no doubt she meant serious. I rubbed my hands together and leaned back into the seat.

"The commander offered me a place as a medical officer in the Survey Corps," I replied curtly, cooling at her question. She would find out sooner or later, but I didn't want to say too much. "I need the money to sustain my family. That is all."

"Ah, I see. Do you have any military training?"

I nodded. This was easy to answer. "Yes, I went all three years but quit before it was time to pick a branch."

"Why did you leave?" Something dark flashed in her brown eyes. "Did you fail the top ten and by that your dream to enter the Military Police?"

The playfulness gone, she boldly met my frown with a steady gaze and intertwined her fingers beneath her chin. Her words weren't harsh or judging, but there was an edge to them. I was happy to prove her statement wrong.

"No," I answered and soaked my lips. "A fire took my father and permanently crippled my mother some days before the choosing ceremony. I left the military to take care of her at my aunt's clinic in Karanese, leaving my home and relatives in Trost, while my brother sustained us with what money he made in the military."

I hadn't realized how my voice had gradually turned hostile. Hange seemed surprised but she gathered herself in an instant.

"I'm sorry," she said.

I shook my head and decided to change subject. This was a bit too close to heart, especially with someone I had just met.

I cleared my throat. "So, when can I begin?"

She stared incredulously at me.

"Uhm… don't you want to rest?" she cautiously inquired. "Take a shower? Change clothes? Eat?"

"The latter three for sure," I agreed with a weak smile. "But after that, I better start working. I don't want to stay idle for the rest of the day. Free time and me doesn't go along well."

What I really meant was of course that I needed to keep myself distracted or I wouldn't be able to resist the 3DMG any longer. But Hange didn't need to hear my crazy tone.

She pressed her lips together, silently contemplating her options, before she replied. "Well, you are the only medical officer available now. And as much as I trust Mikasa's bandaging skill, someone experienced oughta check on Eren as well…"

"Mikasa? Eren?"

"Mikasa is a friend of Eren, who you most likely know as the titan-shifter."

"Didn't you say he was wounded?"

Hange chuckled and the tense atmosphere lifted. "Eager to see Eren?"

"I would be a liar if I said I wasn't," I admitted. "But that's not the main reason. I'm just a bit sore; I'm fully capable of tending to others. How bad is he? Does he need any medical attention?"

"A brief survey would be nice, but don't push yourself too hard." She rose. "I take it you remember how to find around here?"

I gave her a nod. "Yes, thank you for… everything."

Hange gave me a final smile before she left and closed the door behind her. I exhaled as I stood to stretch my arms and legs and when they didn't pop out of their sockets, I decided that I was good enough to go. My limbs still protested when I moved but I felt strangely renewed and too thrilled to lie down. So even though I knew I would regret my decision tomorrow morning, I hung my jacket over the chair, unpacked my belongings and assembled a new set of clothes to change into. I didn't dare look at the suitcase, afraid that I would find it too alluring to stay away from, and simply focused on my task. The painting of my family found its place on the desk together with my journal and pens, and my tiny collection of clothes was neatly arranged into the closet together with my bag. I also found some towels there and grabbed one before I seized my fresh clothes and went downstairs to the showers. My stomach rumbled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten anything in over seven hours, but I ignored its desperate calls for nutrition and busied myself with keeping my hair from getting wet. I finished up quickly and changed—fitting myself into the Survey Corps jacket and my new boots. Though I wanted to try on the cape, it was an unnecessary accessory indoors and would have to obediently wait in my wardrobe until I found a proper chance to wear it.

 _Sebastian, if only you could see me now_ , I excitedly thought as I hurried back into my room and threw my discarded clothes onto the armchair before leading my feet down the staircase again. _I haven't been this overjoyed since… a very long time ago. I had almost forgotten the feeling._

I aimed my strides towards the infirmary, my heart positively drumming out of my chest. As I entered, a familiar scene greeted me; there were tall cupboards and shelves stacked with branded bottles and bandages covering the eastern wall, simple beds and nightstands with tiny waste bins settled into organized rows across the rest of the room and white, currently bundled up drapery that could be used to make privacy amongst the beds. Although the room was about six times larger than mine and four widely opened windows let in sunshine and fresh air, I could still smell the characteristic scent of blood-soaked dressing and old disinfectant.

What surprised me wasn't the fact that the only occupied bed there contained someone who was much younger than me, meaning that the titan-shifter was nothing but a boy. A recruit. I absorbed that piece of information in an instant as well as the startled gazes he and his friends—they, too, had barely grown up—shared when I burst into view. It was the incredibly cold, dagger-like stare from a pair of silver gray eyes I had never really been able to forget that completely threw me off guard.

I wanted nothing more than to just disappear right on the spot. Vanish, vaporize or the old cliche: force the earth to reveal a merciful hole I could fall into and seal after me. I had never understood how perfect the comparison was until now. I was too embarrassed, shocked, content and furious to even have the decency to blush as I stared at him. My thoughts and emotions swirled, tumbled and mingled drunkenly in my mind. _Am I angry or delighted to see him again? Should I be either? Is_ he _angry or delighted to see me again? Is he surprised to see me? Why didn't he come to tell me about Sebastian? What is he doing here? What am I doing here?_

Even though I wanted to, I knew I couldn't just run away like the child inside of me wanted. Before I could act on my immature impulses— _Get away! Hide! Scream!_ —I gathered myself. I was not going to let him corrupt my reputation and position at the Survey Corps and in all honesty, my _sanity_ , for any longer. But in order to do that, I couldn't avoid him anymore. That was a crucial fact.

My lips parted in a stiff smile as recognition finally lighted his widening eyes.

"Hey, Levi."


	5. Chapter 5: Reminiscence

**Chapter 5: Reminiscence**

 _"Just—Sera! Get yourself together! Do you want to give up everything for this one lad?"_

 _I crammed down my journal into my bag and zipped it up, hurrying past my aunt. Our shoulders collided and she managed to grab my wrist but I forcefully nudged it forward, away from her reach. I glowered at Miriam who was standing passively in the doorway to her room and directed a reproachful finger at her._

 _"How dare you tell her?" I hissed. "How dare you come to that conclusion?"_

 _"The world isn't about you!" shouted Lydia angrily. "Leave Miriam out of it, she only did what was right. That man is evidently not good for you! Just leave him already and stop this madness!"_

 _"You don't know him like I do," I yelled, tears of frustration rolling down my cheeks. I furiously wiped them away with the hem of my sweater as I almost tumbled down the staircase, giving Miriam one last venomous glare. "He's not a bad man, Auntie, if you would only realize. He's always only wanted what's best for me." I swallowed. "What happened was just a misunderstanding, I'm sure he has an understandable explanation and I'm going to him to find out."_

 _I heard a loud exhale. "Can't you at least wait until tomorrow?" came her suddenly worried, soft answer. I huffed at her tactics. They weren't going to work on me this time. "It's late and the weather is horrid. I beg of you to take it slow, Sera!"_

 _"No!" I screamed hoarsely. "I can't stand a single more second in this prison. I'm moving out! I can't stand either you, Miriam or mom anymore, you damned stupid, paranoid, pathetic idiots! I never want to see you again!"_

 _Lydia managed to catch me in the hallway and spun me around. Her gray eyes were sad and disappointed, but very much understanding._

 _"You love him, don't you?"_

 _I froze and my jaw dropped. Her words came at me like a sudden punch in my stomach. I hadn't even realized the truth myself, and it came oddly like a relief when someone finally said it._

 _"Sera, please be reasonable," she continued heatedly, obviously misinterpreting my daze as if I were listening to her. "You're only_ seventeen _. Don't throw away your future on someone like him. He's not worth it. Hell, nobody is worth your life."_

 _Her eyes filled with tears and her grip weakened. I escaped her and, without a reply, rushed out into the heavy rain. I could barely see but I didn't need to; my feet remembered the way._

* * *

"L-L-Levi?"

He said nothing but continued glaring at me, his face quickly recomposing into a perfect guise of cool indifference. Only his sharp gaze conveyed any emotions—bitterness, anger and shock—before it, too, came under his cold decor. I managed to tear my accusing eyes away of him and turned my attention towards the boy who had been brave enough to break the silence. His kind voice matched an equally sweet face and large blue eyes darted rapidly from me to Levi in an effort to put together the puzzle that was us. He looked so innocent I felt a strange, almost motherly care for him and worry rose in my chest as I noticed the thin layer of bandage wrapped around his golden head, although it didn't seem to bother him.

"It's 'Lance Corporal', brat," Levi spat. If it was to me or the pretty blonde I didn't know, but his next words were obviously aimed for me. "And what the hell are _you_ doing here here?"

The amount of venom in his voice was palpable. I could feel it permeate and souring my mood, and my smile wavered.

"I would like to ask you the same," I replied with an innocent voice. "As for my presence; I'm now a Medical Officer of the Survey Corps. Can't you see the emblem on my jacket from up there?"

He snorted and folded his arms over his chest. I cursed myself for immediately starting to admire his strong physique and how it moved underneath the fabric of his blue T-shirt. "I'm here because Shitty-Glasses told me there finally was someone with advanced medical experience around. You don't happen to know where he or she might be?"

I raised my eyebrows. _That was a low hit. But then, what else should I expect from such a short guy?_ "What, did you hurt yourself?" I wondered, my eyes rounding. "Got some dirt on your nose? I can solve that with a couple of counseling sessions, if you'd like."

He was boiling. I could feel it even as I stood five yards away from him. But as annoyed as he was at me, I was at least ten times more irritated with myself. I hadn't meant for the conversation to take such a quick turn into a competition of who could throw the cleverest insults. It was disappointing and utterly humiliating to be reminded how much influence he had over me.

My gaze veered towards our audience and I hurried to reconstruct a smile on my face. None of them were wearing either gear or uniform, not even Levi, and they watched me from across the occupied bed as if I were crazy.

"My name is Seraphina Berninger, but you can call me Sera," I said in a friendly tone. "Nice to meet you all."

They were still staring at me as if I had cut off my hand and used it to wave at them.

" _Sera_?"

Terror made his voice quiver. The boy in the sickbed groaned and grabbed at his dressed head, his body slumping. Hands immediately flew to his side and an attractive girl with exotic features and raven, chin-length hair tried her best to push him down on the bed, but the boy brusquely shoved her away and straightened. Stunning green eyes met mine and his brown brows furrowed.

"You look so similar…" he whispered.

I paled but before I had a chance to answer, he slammed a fist into the mattress. "I'm so sorry. I… I could have saved him."

"Don't blame yourself, Eren. Nobody knows what could have happened. You did your best," said the girl comfortingly. Her dark eyes were sad but I didn't think it was because she had been rejected; she seemed genuinely sad for her friend's sake. "I should have been there with you, maybe—"

"Mikasa, it wasn't _your_ fault!" blurted a slender guy with light ash-brown hair behind her. He had been keeping his distance from the other recruits but suddenly stepped forward. His brown eyes were hard but looked at the girl with tender care. "You always—"

"Jean, don't get involved."

"But it wasn't your fault! Just because Jaeger—"

"Shut up, both of you!"

The boy with the emerald eyes hid his face in the palm of his left hand but failed to conceal his bitter grimace. His cruel words had been laced with the unmistakable whimper of a person who was battling against his traitorous tears—and losing. I felt empathy for his curled shape but the reasoning for my next action carried a different agenda.

 _I… I could have saved him._

I hesitated in my choice but then decided that I didn't want anyone to listen to what I was going to ask him. It was hard enough to not shout at him right on the spot; I didn't want people to look at me as I broke down. The girl I presumed was Mikasa tried to reach her friend with quiet murmurs and so did the blonde. I quickly formulated a reasonable explanation and approached him.

"He needs some rest," I announced and tried not to hurry my steps as I squeezed past the slim passage between a deadpanned Levi and the end of a vacant bed. The familiar scent of him—he still used the same aftershave after all these years—sneaked up on me like a knife in the back and I temporarily forgot what I was doing. "Ehm… I-I must ask you to all to leave. Now," I added as the girl glared at me.

"I won't go anywhere," she replied sternly.

"Please," I pleaded carefully, "he won't get better with all of you breathing down his neck. You also need some rest. I reckon all of you were a part of the expedition yesterday?"

She nodded.

"Then I don't want to hear anything more about it," I concluded as I reached the bed. Its sole inhabitant was still covering his face. "Are you going to continue offend a higher-ranking soldier or do what's most beneficial to everyone, including yourself?"

A feral-like fury overcame her features and her sitting form tensed. For a moment I thought she would leap on me, but she restrained herself when the golden-haired boy placed a hand on her shoulder.

"She's right, Mikasa, we'll only be in the way for now." he said and briefly regarded me. "We've been here long enough. I'm getting pretty hungry and I think you are as well."

 _So am I._ "Your friend will stay right here," I assured her, still feeling strangely intimidated by the girl. "You can come visit later tonight. "

Her dark eyes gave me one final look before she rose from the small stool closest to the bed. I didn't bother to see if the rest of the recruits followed her out of the infirmary; the girl carried little authority but the boy named Jean obviously harbored some feelings for her. He would go after her and the still unnamed boy seemed intelligent enough to see the logic in my humble request. When the door finally closed after their departure I awkwardly sunk down on the bed, close enough to touch the brown-haired boy by just raising my arm but far enough for it to be appropriate.

"Sorry I was so harsh on your friends," I began apologetically. He didn't react and I shifted uncomfortably. "So…"

"Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

I stiffened. He must have noticed because he raised his head and looked at me with eyes brimming with tears.

"I let them all die by not changing into a titan from the beginning," he rambled on, his voice thick with grief and self-disgust. "If… if I had only fought with them, they might have despised me for going against orders but at least they would be alive. They died… Sebastian died protecting me."

I inhaled sharply. _This child… so the rumors are true. This boy is a "titan-shifter"—and the reason my brother is dead_.

"Did you…" My throat was so dry it hurt to swallow. "Did you witness his death? How… how did he…?"

His gaze held a question but it was focused on something behind me. I heard a disapproving snort and I almost slapped myself in the face.

Levi was still here.

"Since she's joined the Survey Corps I guess there's no reason not to tell her," came the answer coolly. "So you're free to speak, but nothing about the target itself."

I rose and spun around, immediately fixing my eyes on his handsome, impassive face. "And what are you still doing here?" I snarled, glad that my anger was enough to overcome my grief. Crying in front of him wasn't an option. "Wasn't I clear enough when I said that he needs to rest without any observers?"

"Believe me, nothing would make me happier than to get out of your sight," he said darkly, his forehead creasing. "But as I mentioned earlier, I'm in need of some medical attention as well. More so than the brat."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Will you leave after that?"

"Sure."

"Deal, then."

I turned back to the boy and tried to erase my frown.

"I'll just deal with Levi first to get him off my back," I told him and gently touched his shoulder. "I can't think when he's around."

 _Oh, no. Did I just say that out loud?_ I fought back the heat rising in my face. "Rest and I'll check on you later."

He blinked but didn't shrink away from my cold fingers. He, too, seemed shocked over the way I spoke of the sure to be glowering man behind me. "Oh, okay." There was a pause. "I-I'm Eren, by the way."

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Eren," I answered and this time my smile appeared effortlessly. "I won't repeat myself: lie down. We'll talk later, okay?"

Eren gave me a nod before reclining into the bed. He settled a tanned, willowy arm over his eyes and slowly exhaled.

 _Poor child_ , I fleetingly thought as I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for a verbal skirmish against Levi who hadn't moved an inch since I first saw him. I gestured him towards the bed he was leaning against and as he silently obeyed, I noticed that his gait was unsteady. I hurried to his side, my heart beating hard against my ribcage and my hands shaking, and organized the pillows comfortably against the headboard before allowing him to sit.

"Which leg?" I asked in a low voice. I was frightened to be so near him, afraid of what more memories would resurface or be triggered by him, and did my best not to look at his face. It still hurt to think of him and remember how it had ended between us. Five year had done nothing to mend my wounds.

He was so close our knees almost met. I trembled but hoped he wouldn't notice.

"This one."

Levi raised both of his legs onto the bed in a stiff movement and tapped his left thigh. "It's the foot that hurts the most but I think the whole leg's taken a toll."

"What did you do?" I instinctively asked, a habit I had gotten during my days at the clinic.

"I blocked a titan's attack."

"Are you serious?" I blundered incredulously, my large eyes finding his. He was unmoved. "Why would you do that?" I went on and quickly averted my gaze. "I never thought you were suicidal."

"The circumstances weren't exactly the most favorable. I did what I had to do to in order to protect Eren and Mikasa."

His voice lingered, as if he wanted to add something but then decided not to. I had my suspicions that the subject had something to do with Sebastian but didn't say anything about it, knowing that it would erupt into another bickering. Instead I focused on the task at hand and tried to forget the identity of my patient. I had inexplicably felt a sting of jealousy when he said the girl's name, but I dismissed it as another malignant ghost of the past. I didn't need to think about _that_ while treating him; who knows what I would do.

I unlaced and carefully removed his shoes and socks, glancing sideways to see his gorgeous mouth tighten whenever I touched his left foot. I went to the other side of the bed, feeling his sharp, criticizing eyes analyze every step I took, and went over the foot with my fingers, pushing and and feeling the bones and the muscles beneath. He muttered profanities under his breath; I was enjoying his pain and no longer quivering, confident with my abilities.

Then, I found what was wrong. His whole leg tensed as my thumb ran over the spot again.

"Two… no, three of the bones in your foot has snapped slightly out of place," I said matter-of-factly. "But that's a small price to pay. Not many can brag how they blocked a titan with a foot. Impressive, really."

"Your sarcasm can go to hell. You've never been good at it, so just stop. It's giving me a damn headache."

This time it was my turn to freeze. My breath hitched in my throat and I stood completely still for what felt like an eternity but could've just been a minute. I was staring down at no particular thing at all, the world spinning to a stop around me, and tried not to think of how delightful it would be to cause him some suffering. It didn't matter if I would be thrown out of the Survey Corps the same day I had entered; at least I would've gotten back at Levi. But reason pulled me back from the verge of uncontrollable insanity: no torture in the whole world would be able to cause him even a tenth of what he had caused me. Because five years ago, he hadn't just broken my heart. He had torn it out, wrung it dry with his slender, artistic hands and crushed it beneath his fancy boot to simply walk away without even giving it another thought.

I returned to my senses and pretended to have been simply ignoring him and ponder over how to approach the injury. He didn't seem to notice but then again, his face was as expressionless and unreadable as usual.

"Nothing feels broken or especially swollen. Best way is probably to try and readjust the bones back in place," I said at last and rubbed my hands together. For once I wasn't being nervous due to his presence.

Levi arched a graceful brow, immediately understanding my point. "Are you sure?"

He wasn't questioning my choice, I realized. Simply if I was able to go through with it.

I nodded but deep down, I was scared to fail.

"Then do it."

I went to one of the shelves and returned with a bandage of good length. I rolled up the trouser leg to his knee, revealing a skinny but muscular shin, and pulled a stool beneath me. My breathing ceased as I firmly grasped his ankle with one hand and then abruptly pressed down three fingers from my other hand on the tiny irregularity in his instep, forcing the bones into correct setting. A wet, clicking noise was heard and I examined my work. The foot was back to normal.

"Done," I said and allowed my lungs some air. My gaze traveled to his face and tried to find any signs that he was in pain, but other than a set jaw he remained calm. "I'll patch it up for safety measure and extra support but it should be alright. And although I would encourage you to move it as normally as possible, try not to kick anything else for a while. Oh, and the Maneuvering Gear is off-limits until I say so."

He made a characteristic snort. "Tsk, fine. Are we finished?"

"Not really…"

I hesitated as an inner struggle ignited within me. The nurse and the sympathetic part of me wanted to check and make sure that he didn't have any more injuries and if so, help him recover back to full. But the hurt me, the naive and vengeful part of me, would like nothing more than to ignore any further inspections. Fortunately for my patient, the former won.

"I want to take a look at your leg as well, especially your knee and hip," I went on, my voice gradually regaining its usual volume. I wrapped his foot with the bandage, careful but firm in my movements. "There might be a bone knocked out of place there as well even though you cannot feel it. A muscle can also have been strained and not retracted correctly."

Levi furrowed his brows. "What would you have me do?"

"Well…" I blushed. "I'd like you to… take off your pants."

The corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly but he buttoned down his trousers without any complaints or rude remarks. My face was aflame by the time he wiggled out of the garment and neatly folded it on the nightstand. His t-shirt was long enough to cover his crotch but only barely.

And all I could think was: _What have I done in my past life to deserve this?_

"Satisfied?" Levi asked mockingly as he resettled. His piercing gaze betrayed nothing of his emotions, but I couldn't deny the challenge they held. The word was an innuendo.

Thinking clearly was almost impossible. My mind was still a hot, ugly mess and it took me every ounce of self-preservation to muster up a bored expression. Or that was at least what I was aiming for; I didn't know what Levi saw, but I could bet my position at Survey Corps that it wasn't pretty.

I didn't dare to answer him and instead tried to concentrate on doing what I should be concentrating on doing. I closed my eyes for a precious moment, hoping that the lack of vision would improve—no, restart my brain. The darkness helped. Soon, I could shut out his identity and think of him as another patient at the clinic, someone I smiled at and helped without really feeling anything.

 _It's always an emotional tempest with him_ , I told myself. _He sees right through you. He knows which buttons to press to make you snap. You'll just have to adapt._

"I'll touch you now," I informed him as I scooted closer to the bed, my stool dragging against the floor. "Tell me when it hurts or if anything feels weird or out of the ordinary."

"It feels bizarre."

I frowned. "But I haven't even begun!"

Levi sighed. It was a heavy sound, and discomforting.

"Sera," he said gravely. I flinched and met his gaze. He leaned his chiseled head to the side and crossed his arms over his chest. I had never seen a wounded, half-naked man with more dignity. "What are you actually doing here? Shouldn't you be in Karanese?"

I opened my mouth but immediately shut it. No immature insults would help. Yet again he had managed to catch me off guard, and I needed to make sense when I answered.

"You really shouldn't be here," he continued. "'The path of the Scouting Legion isn't an easy one to tread.' The titans will slaughter you in an instant. Who even allowed you to join?"

His tone was sincere. There was no pity and no anger. I swallowed hard and rubbed my hands together.

"Commander Smith," I replied quietly. "He came by the clinic and offered me my position after he told me about…" My voice broke and I swallowed again. "I took off this morning with him and his escort."

"Erwin…" he muttered in confusion. "But what about your aunt? Miriam?"

It shocked me that he remembered her name. "T-they'll handle," I answered. "Actually, without me there they can handle everything better. Economy is rough and since… I need the money for their sake."

Levi's silvery eyes narrowed. "So that's the reason? You're risking your life for money?" he growled. "That's the stupidest thing I've heard today and that's quite a feat. You're going back to Karanese as soon as possible."

"What?!"

"You heard me," he hissed between gritted teeth. "I won't push your puny body any further today but first thing I'll be doing tomorrow is to talk to Erwin and get you out of the Scouting Legion. Permanently. And then I'll drag your arse onto a horse, bind you if I have to and lead you back to your aunt before midday."

I stared open-mouthedly at him. "But the money—"

"Don't bullshit me!" he snarled furiously, his stern features vaporized. "If you're doing this to be able to pay your aunt's stupid bills, then find another job! One that _won't_ risk losing your damn head! Are you seriously going to throw away your future on something like this? Is it really worth it? Sera, what the fuck are you thinking with?"

 _Don't throw away your future on someone like him. He's not worth it._

I stood up so violently that my stool fell backwards. It smashed into the floor, creating a loud noise and probably a mark in the floorboards, but I couldn't care less. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Lance Corporal!" an infuriated someone called. I had completely forgotten that Eren was there. "What the hell is wrong—Sera! Where are you going?"

I hadn't realized I was rushing out of the infirmary but was happy I had when my sight began to blur. I scrambled up the staircase, charged into the room Hange had offered me and locked the door while fervently wishing that nobody would follow. As I tore off the Survey Corps jacket and my special boots designed for the 3DMG, I almost ended up prone over the suitcase with mentioned gear, but recovered my balance and was able to weakly crawl into bed, all while holding back my tears. I had time to unfurl my braid, notice the unfamiliar feeling of the bed and remember that I still hadn't eaten anything before a powerful mixture of anger, heartbreak and grief washed over me. My eyes flooded over and I wept myself to unconsciousness.

* * *

 _"Sera?"_

 _I groaned. I could taste something disgusting in the back of my throat and almost hurled._

 _"Sera, whoa…" Someone crouched down next to me. A warm hand pulled aside something wet slicked to my forehead. "What the… Have you been out here alone all night?"_

 _Something was in my hand._

 _"Nah…" I murmured. I couldn't peel open my eyes for some reason. "I had ol' good Gibson's with me."_

 _I lazily held up the bottle._

 _"That ain't Gibson, you moron." It vanished from my grip. "Hmm… It's been raining so hard the label's been destroyed, but I'm pretty sure it's a nicely aged Johnson's."_

 _I pouted. "Well, what the heck. It tasted the same."_

 _"I bet. Now, let's get inside and wash you up; you're as cold as a corpse. Miriam!"_

 _I stubbornly shook my head. "Nah, I like it out here. Fresh air, nice people…" I smiled slyly. "And there's this story I think you'd like to hear."_

 _A sigh. "What's the story this time?"_

 _My smile broadened into a grin. But when I opened my mouth to speak, only strangled cries could be heard. I tried again but I couldn't speak. Something warmed my face again and I thankfully raised my hand to feel the safety of his hands—but my fingers only touched wet cheeks._

 _"Eh?" I frowned. "I think it's raining again. But the drops are so warm… Is there something dripping from above?"_

 _The world disappeared beneath me._

 _"Sebastian! Sera is—by the Walls! Is that her? Where did you find her? How is she? Quick, carry her inside!"_

 _"Miriam calm down, please. I think she's been here most of the night and other than a hangover and a potential cold, she's fine. Physically, at least. What in the world happened yesterday?"_

 _There was a pause. I tried to open my eyes but my vision was clouded and the sunlight hurt. I tried to assure Miriam I was alright but my voice only sputtered more unintelligible whimpers. I tried to move and get out of my brother's grip but I was shaking too much._

 _I gave up._

 _"We went to the usual bar even though I told her you wouldn't be there. You'd clearly said that you'd work, nothing else."_

 _This piqued my interest. Was it a fun story?_

 _"I was of course right—you weren't there—but she suddenly kept on going about how the lance corporal was in the bar across the street. I can't remember us ever going there but perhaps we have. Anyway, when we finally found him… he wasn't exactly alone."_

 _Oh no. Stop there, Miriam. This one doesn't end well._

 _"Sera ran back here and locked herself inside her room. My words didn't seem to reach her and after about an hour of hearing almost nothing of her, I got really worried. So I woke my mom and told her everything, and she started banging on the door until Sera came out with her bag all packed and then there was a lot of screaming and shouting and…"_

 _Miriam, shut the hell up._

 _"...Sera said she would move out. She left and although I tried to catch up with her, she was too quick and I lost her in the rain. I didn't think I'd ever see her again, but since she's here…"_

 _Another pause. I knew that the strange, sniffling noise in the background was me crying._

 _"I warned her not to come to close to him," said Sebastian and sighed. His breath smelled fresh of peppermint and water. "Several times. Maybe I should have fully forbidden her to see him. But I know the way she likes to hang out with guys and never thought that she would actually…"_

 _Sebastian! Don't. Say. It._

 _"...fall in love with Levi Ackerman."_


End file.
